Asperger Ally
by TheKawaiifan
Summary: Ally Dawson always knew she was different. Sure she was smart and talented, but she also suffered in social situations and had quite hightened senses. She always knew she was different, but never expected to be diagnosed with Aspergers Syndrome
1. Chapter 1

"Have fun singing with no lyrics" the little blonde girl spat, crumpling my butterfly song and making an attempt to rip it apart with her teeth. No exactly happy with the violations of my well known rule, I reminded her that there was no eating in the classroom; taking the song back. Then the tantrum started. Tilly started jumping and screaming at a very high pitch. So high and loud, my hands automatically went to my ears. Still her screams pounded their way through my oh so protective shield. It actually hurt. The screaming echoed in my head, banging against the walls of my skull. It was soo painful; I squeezed my ears tighter, shutting my eyes with just as much tightness. My body automatically hunched over from that pain, hoping that it'll drive it away.

None of the other kids were reacting that way. All they could do is make fun of Tilly's tantrum and my strange behavior. At that moment I didn't care, but when you're fifteen and looking back at that day in kindergarten, you'd rather not talk about it ever again. I only covered it up by saying it was a special day for me. Well, that's not exactly a lie. I discovered my songwriting talent that day. It shaped who I was today. But I will never forget the humiliation that came with that reaction. No matter what.

Over those ten years, that feeling replayed in my head like a tape recorder, and I just wanna form that protective shell once again. Of course I do so, when it's in private. I'd sit in my bed and think about it, then just do what I did back then. When around other people, all I could do to avoid embarrassment was try to contain the pain and frustration, taping my fingers against my leg like crazy. No one would notice that compared to having hair for lunch, thus making it one great way to release any anxiety.

"Hey Ally" greeted a certain voice. I jumped in shock at the intrusion of my private thoughts. "Austin! Don't scare me like that!" I squeaked, trying to calm the heart attack. Would you blame me though? I was soo deep in thought; I forgot I was even working at my dad's store. I forgot that I was staring at the drum kits across the room. I forgot that my shoulder rested on the counter. I just forgot everything. All there was were those thoughts. Then his voice came in unexpectedly, causing quite a shock to return to reality.

"Sorry" he apologized, putting his hands up in defense. Taking some deep breaths to calm down, I accepted the apology. "So what's up?" I asked. "You called me over so we can work on that new song, remember?" he reminded like it should've been obvious. I then did my signature "whaaaaat?" "Of course I remembered. I was just testing you, to see if you remembered" I said awkwardly. He gave me that look that clearly meant that I was weird. "You pass" I added. He just shrugged his shoulders and excused my behavior. "So yeah, let's get to work" I announced, abandoning the desk.

After quite some time, the song had been finished. "Another great song Alls. Up top!" he held his hand up in the air. Up top, does that mean he wants me to climb to the top of something? I don't know, I'm sure it had something to do with being up high. Wait a minute, he is holding his hand up high, like a high five. Is that it? "Don't leave me hanging" he reminded me. I did space out trying to figure out those social ques. Still not sure what situation I was in, I smacked my hand against his with a hint of awkwardness. It actually hurt a little. While Austin lowered his hand, I clutched that hand. "C'mon, you didn't smack my hand that hard. I'm surprised it wasn't a tap" he commented on the look on my face that clearly showed my pain. Realizing my behavior, I simply told him that I was fine and forced myself to resume my normal activity; ignoring the faint pain in my hand.

"Guess who got a job at Build a Bear Workshop" Trish greeted in sing song. She had on a blue t-shirt and brown pants. I'm guessing that's the uniform. Her shirt was decorated in badges and what not. Trish had her dark curly hair up in a ponytail and sparkly blue headband. Dez then came in being, well, Dez.

We exchanged greetings, though I was going through some emotional trauma myself. You know how Dez always dresses like a clown? Usually the wild colors and patterns were on his pants. This time they reached his t-shirt, only wilder. I honestly don't know what he was thinking with his clothing choice. Usually when its with his pants, Its easier for me not to look down on them when I have a conversation to make. But with his shirt, its right where I can see them. It used just about every color of the rainbow, and there were soo many shapes and patterns organized on the cloth, it actually made me dizzy to just look at it. It was very overwhelming to look at.

"ALLY!" a rather loud scream filled my ears. Trish did love to shout. I rubbed my ears in pain from the scream. I wanted to hunch over like I did in kindergarten. Of course I didn't though. "We're waiting" Austin pressured. The three leaned in expectantly. What did they want? My hand automatically grabbed my hair, and before I knew it I began chewing. Other than that one stimming action, I was frozen. My words trapped in my throat. My muscles stiff with anxiety and eyes widened in horror. My head still spinning from Dez's shirt and ears ringing from Trish's scream, my chewing speed increased. "I should go" I excused myself through my hair. I forced those stiff muscles to get me out of this place.

My feet carried me over to the mall fountain. The chewing speed decreased. I looked and listened to the rhythmic splashing of the fountain. It always found a way to calm me. I breathed in the mist, finally releasing those locks of hair. The confusion and anxiety just evaporated away. Every breath calmed my nerves one by one. The gentle splats of the water told my ears to relax, because I knew what the following sound would be. The waves churned gently, and the coins littered the floor like polka dots. It was much simpler and calming compared to Dez's shirt. Uggh, just thinking about it is overwhelming. I put my attention back to the fountain.

This was what I liked about being alone. I could do whatever I wanted to. Being surrounded by those noisy people, just that has a way of setting some unclear rules. Thus driving me a little insane. I liked being by myself like this. I make my own rules that are as crystal clear as the water. No one to disturb the peace.

A shadow loomed by mine. "Allygater," my dad greeted. If the shadow didn't give me that warning, I probably would've freaked out. "Yeah dad?" I responded. "I just got your report card back. Since when did you start reading college level books?" he showed me the papers. I gave him an annoyed look. "Since the 6th grade" I reminded. "I know, but I still can't help but be proud that my little baby is reading so many grade levels ahead of the other students. You should be so proud" he told me. I rolled my eyes. I've heard those words soo many times, it gets annoying. Plus I'm not really that proud of my intelligence anyways. It just simply gives you high expectations that you don't really wanna live up too. And its kinda of a pain watching the other kids learn at much lower levels.

My watched then beeped out of nowhere. After a little squeak of surprise, I announced that I had to get to cloud watching club. I immediately left my dad and the fountain, rushing over to our meeting place. No matter what my friends said, I loved cloud watching. I got to use my imagination to creatively assign shapes to each cloud. It was something quite simple I can focus on, just like the fountain. Usually I preferred doing it alone, but then one day Dad said I needed to be around people more and signed me up. Sure I still prefer being alone, but being with the club is still fun. I don't have to socialize with these people, just look at the clouds. Perfectly simple.

Nothing new happened with Cloud Watching club. And I liked it like that. I went home to watch the store. It was actually rather boring. There were basically zero customers around dinner time. I had already had a subway sandwich on my way back. Thankfully I finished my dinner before entering the store, or id be tempted to break my own rule and maybe end up on a gossip blog. Me eating in the store would kind of be a big deal. I don't know what the others were up to, but I'm betting that Trish got a new job at a restaurant of some sort. As for what Austin and Dez are doing, your guess is as good as mine. Bored out of my mind, I got out my book and started writing about my day.

_Dear Diary,_

_Today was boring and interesting at the same time. Eventfully, nothing changed. However, the everyday strangeness I'd always write about found its way into my life once again. From spacing out in thoughts of "that" memory, to feeling a little overwhelmed at the sight of Dez's clown shirt. Of course there were some highlights of my day. Austin and I finished a new song, Dad's proud of my educational status as usual, and Cloud Watching Club went great. Of course, I do wonder if there is something wrong with me. As explained over a thousand times in this book, my senses seemed quite enhanced in comparison to everyone else. I mean, I was in pain just at a gentle high five with Austin. Anything busy always made me overwhelmed, like that shirt I mentioned earlier. There were soo many colors, shapes and patterns to look at, is normal to feel dizzy like that? I always seem to lose myself in something that I focus on; any interruption doesn't get a happy reaction. Not to mention that I can't seem to interact like the rest of my friends. I think they were taught how to socialize when they were little, and my Dad simply didn't give me such instructions. All in all, one question remains: am I normal?_


	2. Chapter 2

The next day started like normal. The routine didn't change at all until I was at the breakfast table. "Morning Dad" I greeted. "Ally, we won't be working the store today" he announced out of the blue. My world just stopped. I couldn't believe what I was hearing. "B-but I always work at the store" I complained. I honestly didn't like this change in routine. "I know Alls, but you won't have time to work if we are at the children's hospital" he replied. What? I gave him a blank stare. "Point is, we are going out" he ended the conversation.

I stared at the passing images out the car window; wondering what this was all about. Children's Hospital? Was this a check up? Well I guess it is. I mean, it's been awhile since my last one. Then again that's not really something you think about when you have other things in life to deal with. But if it's a checkup then why would my dad be so secretive about it? Am I due for another shot? Oh god, Dad knows I hate getting a shot. It's so painful they might as well just kill me. Wait, this route is different from the usual doctor appointments. What is happening? Where is my Dad taking me? Now Im really freaking out and I should stop blabbing right now.

I spent the rest of the ride staring out the window. Eventually we parked in front of a building titled "Miami Children's Autism Center". Now I am freaking out for real. Anxiety then came crashing out of nowhere, and I was chewing hair like crazy. No. I wasn't chewing like crazy. I was chewing like I lost my sanity. "What is this place?" I asked my Dad through hair. No answer. This only made me more nervous. Make that anxious. We got out of the car and went into the strange place.

"Ally Dawson?" a lady called. "That's me" I replied, smacking the hair out of my mouth and hand. She gestured me to follow her deeper into the foreign place. After introducing herself I asked a very important question: why am I here? She smiled slightly. "Your father told me and I quote 'Ally thinks there is something wrong with her. Always has'. We are going to find out what it is exactly. Didn't he tell you that?" she replied. I shook my head. Anxiety crashing once again at the thought of being the weird girl, my fingers started drumming once again. Her eyes gave away that she noticed this action, making a mental note.

"So tell me about yourself" she asked me, sitting us down at a table in an empty room. "Well, I'm a songwriter. I actually write songs for Austin Moon-" I started, only to be interrupted by that lady. "Ohmygoodness! _The_ Austin Moon! My daughter loves him! She's always talking about him 24/7" she blabbed. I rolled my eyes, not enjoying the fact that I never got to finish what I wanted to say. Plus I wasn't really interested into what she had to say about Austin. She continued blabbing about how much her daughter loved the guy. It was actually getting annoying. One second we were talking about me, the next the conversation is about a little girl's obsession about some guy she doesn't even know. Omg. "IFIGETHIMTOGIVEYOURDAUGHTERA NAUTOGRAPHWILLWERETURNTOTHEC ONVERSATIONWEWEREHAVINGEARLI ER!?" I interrupted. (Authors note: in case you can't read that, she said "if I get him to give your daughter an autograph will we return to the conversation we were having earlier!?"). "Yes, I'm so sorry" she apologized. Queue the sigh of relief. I then caught her finishing a note in her pad. I never pointed that out though.

I told her about my songwriting career and my love of cloud watching. During this time, she continued writing in her notepad, and I finally noticed a recorder. Of course I never pointed it out. "So, tell me about your social life" she asked. "Well, my closest friends would be Austin of course, and please don't talk about your daughter's obsession I don't want to hear it" I immediately added. She nods, still writing in that pad of hers. "Trish is his manager and my best friend since kindergarten and Dez is his best friend and director" I told her. "Together we make Team Austin" I added. "I see. Can you tell me about any friends outside of team Austin?" she asked. "Well, I do have a Tweeter account. Though considering 'Spider Noodle Soup' was my only funny item, I went back to about 3 followers" I added. "What do you write anyways?" she asked. "Nothing much, just some thoughtful poems that I miraculously can fit into a 140 character limit" I explained. "Other than that, I basically have no social life" I concluded.

"Now, could you tell me some emotional triggers? You know, what makes you happy, sad, mad, etc" she asked. "Well I do get happy when I get to write for Austin and support his career. I love to read at the library. OH! And I love my pickles" I started getting excited at the thought of those things. "Seriously, why do you think I love such stuff?!" I started my excited question asking. Then I caught myself and told her not to answer. "When you get happy, is there anything you do? Like skip, smile, sing?" she asked. "Well, I do ask a lot of questions" I replied. More notepad writing.

"As for irritated, it's mainly stuff like when people don't knock before entering the room, or when they bring food in the store. I also hate it when people talk with food in their mouth or say 'Liberry' instead of 'Library'. Seriously, what is up with the confusion? And do you have any idea how irritating the sound of Styrofoam being rubbed together is? I hate that!" I explained. "I see" was all she said. I continued explaining what makes me feel those emotions. "Ally, besides asking questions when excited, what do you do when you feel these emotions?" she asked. "Well, I either drum my fingers or chew hair when nervous. Clean when upset, plug my ears and shut my eyes when overwhelmed, and complain when irritated. That's all I can think of" I responded.

After some more question asking, she brought out a few toys. "Ally, I would like you to show me what you would do with these items" she instructed me. Easy enough. I examined the figurines and other items, and set them up. "I'd throw a tea party" I cheered with the plastic cup. "I used to force my dad to be the guest of honor when I was little. I had a lot of fun" I explained, pouring Batman an imaginary cup of tea. "I see. Well, what if I wanted to play superheroes with you using these dolls?" she grabbed a Spiderman figure, making 'POW POW' noises at Batman. "I'm sorry, it's really not my thing" I responded, feeding an imaginary cookie to a stuffed bunny. More note taking.

More talking and more tests and I was finally out of there. The rest of my day went normally.


	3. Chapter 3

I cannot believe it. I have Asperger's Syndrome. You wanna know what it was like being told that? It was like my dad just grabbed an oversized stamp and gave me a good smack in the face. Like someone had put an invisible label on me. I had been labeled. Now the newly labeled me is sitting on the piano bench, listlessly clicking away at the keys. "Hey Ally" a certain someone decided to bust in. I hate how he's always ignoring the signs.

"Oh, Austin,…." I stuttered awkwardly. My fingers automatically started tapping on the piano bench.

"Where were you? Sonic Boom was closed all day" he then asked me.

"Oh, ya noticed" I said awkwardly. Damn, I gotta find an excuse and fast. "Dad and I had to run a few errands today, so we closed up shop" I then told him. Okay, that wasn't completely a lie. Austin then asked about why the shop's still closed if the errands are done and over with. He know my Dad just a bit too well. "I dunno. Don't ask me what goes on in his head" I simply ended the convo in my awkwardly lying voice.

The truth is, after being diagnosed Dad decided to give me a day or two to myself. He's surprisingly nice like that. "So, thanks for checking up on me. But I assure you everything is fine" I added.

"Hey Alls, I got those books" Dad then barged in at the wrong place at the worst time possible. "That's great Dad! Why don't you just drop them off in my room, kay!" I pushed him back out the door, my speech so quick it was almost all one word. Before my Dad could say another word, I slammed the door on him.

"What was that about?" Austin then questioned my behavior.

"Nothing!" I automatically turned around quickly, guarding the door.

"Ally, I can tell your lying" the super star approached me. I have now been cornered. Still, I stubbornly looked away from him.

"pfft, no I'm not" I lied with pure failure.

"Ally, can you please at least look at me" he then asked. Hesitantly, I did as he asked. Making eye contact was the most awkward thing ever. It actually pained me. Knowing that the other person was staring back at you, studying you through eye contact, it was the weirdest thing ever. And I hated it. Instead of looking at Austin's brown eyes, my own just kept darting around, avoiding the contact. I didn't want him staring at my eyes while I stare back. I didn't want to make eye contact with anyone. It was just too weird and I hated it.

"Austin, could you please give me a little space?" I politely asked him. He did as I asked thank god. Now I just gotta get myself out of this situation. "You know, I'm not exactly in the mood to talk about it. Maybe, we can hang out instead. You can name the place" I offered. Austin, finally buying the fact that I don't want to talk about it, chose the arcade. And you know what, I had quite a bit of fun. Maybe just a bit too much.

"Sorry I ruined it for you" I told Austin as we walked home.

"Pfft, no you didn't ruin anything. It was great" he said otherwise.

"I used up all the money on one game, had a meltdown and got us kicked out" I decided to remind him with an embarrassed blush. He then failed to suppress another fit of laughter.

"I think that was worth it. I got a good video of you clinging to the machine, plus a cat" he showed off the stuffed animal I won. "You sure you don't want it?" he then asked for what was like, the bazillionth time.

"You can have it. It's all yours" I reassured him. Sure it's a very cute cat, why else would it be the target of my awesome claw crane skills? The problem: I hated the fabric. It was a similar material used on the frog Austin had once won a while back. It was just so scratchy and weird. I hated it.

"Thanks" he finally accepted the toy. "Ally, you know if there is something bothering you, you can always trust me" he then decided to bring _that _up again.

"I know. I'm just not ready to tell you just yet" I explained myself. I really wish keeping secrets from him was easier than this.

"Well I'm sorry for pressuring you like that earlier. But when you're ready, I'll be here for you"

"Thanks Austin. See ya tomorrow" I said my farewells, going into my own home.

_For the Aspergirl, everything seems to be about purpose and reason, which we don't always find in the trappings of this noisy, chaotic, confusing world. So we create our own world in which to do our own thing, and so live isolated lives, never engaging as fully with others as perhaps we could or we want to._ These were just a few words of one of the books Dad bought me. That was what I was trying to hide from Austin earlier. Dad decided to get me a few books so I could learn a few things about Aspergers Syndrome. Out of all the books I found on my bed, I chose to read Aspergirls by Rudy Simone first. I think I'm gonna keep this my own little secret for now. I'm not going to just tell anyone I have AS when even I don't know what it is yet. Don't get me wrong, I'll tell Austin and the others when I'm ready; that's just not now.

Just then my phone buzzed to life. It's Dallas. I was honestly getting pretty excited. Is he gonna ask me out? Say that he's into me? Or is it simply a friendly hello? Maybe he just wants to chat. Or is it something terrible? Maybe he hates me? I gotta stop worrying myself with my excited questions. I finally convince myself to look at the text. _got 2 tickets to that new Twilight movie tomorrow. wanna come?_ Were the words that triggered nonstop squealing. I immediately texted back a yes. A date with Dallas to the newest installment to one of my favorite series? Yes please! XD


	4. Chapter 4

**i feel like its time to start the disclaimers. so yeah, i do not own Austin and Ally or Aspergirls by Rudy Simone**

I prettied myself up for the date, slapping on some thick and dramatic mascara and my favorite red lip-gloss. I had on my Twilight t-shirt with Edward and Jacob on neither side paired with a simple red skirt with black floral lace. With my simple black heals were some knee high socks with twilight written all over it (authors note: I have the same socks). I finished my Twilight crazed outfit with a red rose, a hand drawn Quileute tattoo on my shoulder and a simple chocker with the Cullen crest on it. Now I stand in line with Dallas, trying hard to keep up a conversation. Epic fail. Plus I chose the wrong heels. My feet are honestly killing me. Though ill admit that I look hot.

That movie wa ! What is better than sparkly vampires and hot, hot, and HOT werewolves? Just add a cute little hybrid child and a kick ass Bella. And I just LOVED that ending. So much better than the book. It was just so, so, I'm not even going to describe it cuz then that's giving out spoilers. Overall, if you've already seen it, high five! If not, GET THAT TICKET ALREADY AND GO SEE IT!

Throughout the rest of the date I never stopped talking about the movie; literally. It's the only thing my motor mouth wanted to blab about. Dallas probably never got a word into the conversation. I'm not exactly sure though; too busy talking about how AWESOME that movie was. Anyways, after the movie we went out for ice cream. Of course I got me my Fruity Mint Swirl. I heart you. And of course now I'm at home. Having a texting covo with Dallas.

_Me: I had a gr8 time_

_Dallas: Me 2_

_Me: What was ur fav part?_

_Dallas: U sure talk a lot bout the movie_

_Me: ikr! XD_

_Dallas: Haha. My fav was kick ass Bella_

_Me: Ikr, luved her 2. I luved Renesmee more though. She cuuuuuute 3_

_Dallas: Agreed_

_Me: ;P_

_Dallas: Anyways, wanna go out again some time?_

OMG. Dallas just asked me out again. Excuse me for a sec *girly scream*. What should I say? Of course im gonna say yes! But I don't wanna be too obvious. But I can't just say no. Stop talking to yourself Ally.

_Me: Yea, sure_

_Dallas: gr8. How bout after my shift at the library on Wednesday?_

_Me: ok. C u then_

Eep! I'm going on a date with Dallas, I'm going on a date with Dallas. ^_^. Too bad that wont be for a few days. Oh well. I just picked up that Aspergirls book and continued reading.

God knows how long its been since I started reading. I just never put that book down. Not because I was into it, but because of myself. Each word made everything in my life make much more sense. Yet at the same time, I was still confused. There were several sentences I found extra special. Probably because it was my point of view that I never noticed. It was the ignorance that finally caught up to me. It was also the memories from before that came flooding back from each and every moment of my life.

_We don't want to wait for kindergarten for the words on the page to reveal their meaning. We also don't want to wait for our first lesson to evoke music from the magical instrument standing in the corner. And often, we don't have to._ I never noticed how quickly I figured out how to read so soon after learning the alphabet. I never noticed how enchanted I was at that piano in the corner that Dad showed me how to play soon after I messed around with it.

_Not comprehending things the way other people do is fine in academia because we can usually find our own methods, but in social situations, this same tendency plays out differently-we can't always impose our own rules and priorities on others. We can't research people in everyday conversation the way we research information from books. _HUGE point there. God, people are so much more confusing than calculus.

_When we are in __**the zone**__, we do have a hard time with taking breaks, going to the toilet, eating, drinking, grooming, getting fresh air, or exercise. _Hmm, that explains how I got Austin to lose his voice and get a little nodules. Why am I still guilty?

_Despite a love of learning and an appetite for information, Aspergirls do not all enjoy school the way others might think that they would. For some, school is too slow; too restrictive, for we are often unable to read what we like or study in the areas of our passions. Social issues are yet another minefield to navigate, and an obstacle on the path to our desire-to learn as much as possible as quickly as possible._ Yeah, I'm obsessed with knowledge. Deal with it.

_ Most of the Aspergirls said the same thing-with few exceptions, school was boring and they were bullied. __**Bullying**__ is something that will come up throughout this book and throughout the lives of many Aspergirls. Unfortunately, it seems to be intrinsically tied to formal education. Bullying happens when someone is different and is seen as a threat in some ways, yet seen as weak in others. Aspergirls fit that bill perfectly. To a young and innocent child, bullying is a shock and often turns the world from a safe and happy place to a complete nightmare. For a spectrum child, it can be the beginning of a lifelong post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD). _I'd say it's a little of both for me.

_It was absolute torture for me to listen to my classmates struggle with __**See Jane Run**__, _I honestly don't have all the patience in the world to wait for other kids to catch up with me.

_Five- and six-year-olds can be much more tolerant than older kids. My uncoolness was coolness. _Sooo true. No wonder why everything was mostly fine during my early years.

_I had many friends…until adolescence._

_All at once, my idiosyncrasies became very uncool, almost overnight. My social __**deficits**__, which prior to that point had just been __**differences**__, became glaring holes in my persona. At first I was merely ostracized, losing friends one by one, but then, the threats began. By this time I had no one to sit with at lunch so I usually spent it hiding somewhere. _It was sure something to adjust to suddenly going from popular nerd girl to just "Ally Dawson? Who?" So far Trish is the only one of those girls who hadn't betrayed me like that.

_ How does a girl who was once a gifted and __**popular**__ student fall so far? Home was dysfunctional, and I'd already become mute and withdrawn there, long before I did at school. My teachers may have noticed, but as is often the case, the bully was more popular with teachers than I was. Kim wasn't a know-it-all like I was; she didn't appear sullen and awkward, but instead, some teachers thought I had it coming._

_ Teachers, more often than not, either can't or won't protect you._ Even Miss Suzy couldn't ease down my amount of bullies.

_ I had a gifted IEP. Middle school and high school were hell-bullying from students and teachers, no one to turn to. I spent years dealing with severe depression. Everyone ignored my problems because I had good grades. (Andi)_ whoever this Andi person is surprisingly relatable.

_With NT girls, you just don't know what the game is about. They have a coldness that can turn to meanness. (Widders) _do normal girls really have to be so mean? What kind of world am I dealing with anyways?

_With diagnosis or an IEP we might end up in special ed or some other place where some well-meaning individuals watch us like hawks, which we do not like._ Ok, I'm scared. I just got diagnosed the other day. Is this my fate for the rest of high school? Chewing my hair here. *chew chew chew*

_-it is our emotions that really need the extra care. Our intellect will do just fine if you give it something to play with and let it go. (Reminder: I am referring to high-functioning individuals)_ still scared. If the special ed teachers are as ignorant as this book describes, the rest of high school will be a living hell.

_Aspergirls do not thrive under scrutiny, if it has just the slightest bit of hostility in it. Whether form our peers or teachers, if we are looked at with an unfriendly, intimidating, or threatening eye, we fold. Alone, we are talented, graceful, witty, and smart, but under such circumstances we curl up like hedgehogs. _Every bully, every teacher that had ever hated me, anyone really, had always made me so uncomfortable and scared. More reason to use the phrase "leave me alone"

_We're as sensitive emotionally as we are physically and the bullying becomes a vicious cycle-when the perpetrators see what an effect they're having, they redouble their efforts. Some of us get backed into a corner and keep retreating until we are our in the parking lot…then we just keep going. In other words, we quit. Some of us older Aspergirls went from gifted student to high school or college dropout. Instead of getting PhDs, we let PTSD stop us at our GED (General Equivalency Diploma or General Education Diploma). Guitting is better than allowing someone to bully to death. We feel powerful when we leave a bad situation, for it means we are taking control, something very important to an Aspergian. But the problem comes in the future, when we realize we are 42 and never got that degree, or didn't get as high a degree as we should have. Our temporary feeling or triumph will come back to bite us in the backside again and again. _Does this mean I just may quit school somehow? Ok, shaking in fear here. If this book was able to predict my past, does it mean that I'm destined to live this kind of future?

_On the other hand, she may be obviously smart and it isn't any fun to hear other kids struggling with __**See Jame Run**__ while you're already on Dickens. If your child is gifted, she might need a special program or some challenge in her life. Remember however, that she may seem quite mature in many ways but she is autistic and she will be fragile and childlike in others. Letting her be moved up a grade or two might not be a good idea if she feels intimidated by older kids. _Dad actually did try that once. Not a pleasant experience I'd wanna talk about.

_Just because a school says it has a zero tolerance policy for bullying doesn't mean it's true. _Note to self: don't trust those signs any longer.

I finally decided to close the book after going through those two chapters. This book in just two chapters: for starters its very well written. Written not only in a professional way, but also reflective. Still, I'm confused of course. Just in the few two chapters alone, I had endless flashbacks to my early childhood. Was every other girl with Asperger's Syndrome destined to experience those events at an early age as I was? Was every Aspergirl also destined to be in special ed and to quit school as well? Are all our paths really that similar? This is just confusing. Still, I hugged the book protectively. I suddenly felt like this was my guide to my future, my life. It predicted my past, and possibly my future. Maybe if I get this kind of heads up, I'll be able to do something different.

But for now, I REALLY don't want to go into a special ed class. That means that this kind of secret better be kept from the teachers. If they never know, then they will never place me into a group of specially challenged teens. "Hey Ally, just thought you might wanna know that I called your school earlier and told them you have autism" Dad then busted in, breaking the news I certainly didn't want to hear. "Nice to know Dad" I said with faint hostility. I understand that my Dad means well, but now? Uggh. Sure, any parent would think that if their child is diagnosed with anything at all they would need some extra help, but, but, Uggh! Dad! High school is now going to be a living hell. I might as well just quit now. Great, history really does repeat itself. Yeah


	5. Chapter 5

I snuck through the hallways cautiously on the following Monday. The last thing I need is for Team Austin to catch me going into the special Ed classroom. After careful sneaking and hiding behind the walls, I managed to find my destination. I walked in cautiously to this small classroom. There were literally about 5 other students. To my right there was an even smaller room with a small window and a sign stating that it's the time out room. I don't even want to know what that's for. Though apparently the universe is not on my side.

Don't judge me, I know that these classmates are also challenged and need this extra support, but this is just embarrassing. After a lifetime of questioning the definition of normal, I end up finding out that I'm not in that category and get shoved into a room full of people that most of my classmates would look down on. Great, now I'm even weirder than ever. And guess what, that book was right. That teacher always sat behind me, spying on everyone. I was being watched like I was prey for a hawk. Then there are the students in this small room. I had to repeat my introductions over a bazillion times to this one girl. Another boy would complain and argue with literally every other piece of instructions. A quick trip to the time out room. Then there's dyslexic guy and that kid with the aqua colored hair. Then there's what the teacher decided to teach. It was all questions about us and tips on how to have a social life. And don't make me mention that paper we had to read. Basically, these kids were even slower than what I used to deal with. Even I'm surprised that I have this kind of patience. The highlight of my day? When a girl threw a temper tantrum and was throwing books all over the place. I had to hide under my desk and watch her get locked in the time out room. Then it was one teacher keeping the door closed as she'd scream and pound the door while the other calls the parents. Welcome to my new life.

So I had to deal with that behavior for about a week. Like I predicted, high school is now even more of a living hell than before. I swear, please just kill me. It's all thanks to that diagnosis and Dad pulling a few strings that forced me to lower myself from anti social girl to secretly a special ed kid. Total torture. The hardest part was keeping it away from Austin and the others. Well, just the passing in the hallways really. But that's stress enough in itself.

On the bright side of this week, I've been dating Dallas a lot. Cutest guy ever. And the best dates ever. Those are the only things in my life that make me the happiest girl in the world. But other than that, god just kill me already. I'm stuck being spied on for an hour on weekdays/listening to screaming teenagers.

I sooooo wish I was never diagnosed. I can live in the dark. The light is just waaay to blinding. And it hurts. I can't believe I'm forced to live with a bright light in my face. I liked being lost in the dark. I want my old life back. The life where I was still lost and confused by the normal people. The life where I didn't have to hide myself from my best friends. The life where I'm simply ignored instead of living in fear of being judged and looked down on. I want to return to those days so badly. If only the time machine had been invented and in an affordable price range. It's just too bad that life decided to give me a good hard slap in the face, telling me that those wishes could never be granted. Anyways, here comes the regular quotes from Aspergirls by Rudy Simone.

_There are a million triggers lurking everywhere, waiting to set us off, steal our peace and sabotage our calm. Sights, sounds, touches, and even tastes can drain us mentally, physically, and emotionally. Why do things that others barely notice send us into a tailspin-literally? _Ok, what is the topic here? The title of chapter 3 said SENSORY OVERLOAD.

_People used to think that autistics felt less, felt nothing, were less than human in some ways, Actually the opposite is true-we feel everything, we smell everything, we hear everything…and we sense things others can't._ is that true? Well those of the norm are in for a surprise.

_We fixate on little tiny things that other people barely notice. Not because we are neurotic, not because we are attention-grabbers, but because those things are jumping out at us._ Now that I think about it, that's my life story. Like I said in the previous chapter, this book is the story of my life in my own P.O.V that even I never noticed.

_A windy day makes you anxious not because of an irrational fear, but because trees are swaying, their leaves swirling, branches waving chaotically. The sound of wind is loud, distracting, an unpredictable assault on the ears. The wind pulls your hair and whips it into your face and eyes; it tugs on clothes and aggravates and the skin-this is sensory overload_ ok, I don't really have an issue with wind, but I think that was necessary for you guys to understand this sensory overload thing; even if it is a little self explanatory.

_Despite our legendary ability to focus, or perhaps because of it, we tend to need to address one noise at a time, so if we are on the phone, the television must be muted. If we are in conversation, the radio must be off. _Having flashbacks of the beginning of this story

_Our sensitivity to sound as well as touch strongly affects our sleep habits and many of us can't catch 40 winks without earplugs and noiseless, heavy blankets. Because we have minds like recorders, even hearing a song before bed means it might play over and over again, robbing us of our rest. _Ooh! That explains my sleep deprivation. Its been driving me crazy for my entire life. That and the bags under my eyes. Thank you concealer.

_A lot of these triggers, perhaps all of them, exist only in relation to our lack of control over them. If I'm running the lawnmower and making a racket, that is okay, but if my neighbor is, that's a different story. This can make us seem like control freaks to others, and a bit hypocritical to boot. After all, some of us play in rock bands, or love heavy metal. But that means that we are __**prepared**__ for it. We can handle an onslaught of sound for a time, but preferably a time, place and sound of our choosing._ That explains sooooo much.

_Sometimes we just can't get rid of unwanted images so we may be quite selective about what we want to see. Other people might see us as being fussy, difficult to please, oversensitive, and they may hesitate to invite us out anywhere for fear we won't like it. _That is why I have such a hard time forgetting the string of destruction Austin and Dez brought to Sonic Boom, that and the dizzying amount of items on their tab.

_The Aspergian need for soft fabrics and a firm touch is well known. We all have aversions to certain products and fabrics, though what those are vary from one individual to the next. Uncomfortable, fussy clothing is a torture for most people with Asperger's, not just females, but females have more fashion choices and may be expected on some level to wear fussy things. _True, I like softer fabrics; a lot. But considering my own fashion history, I wouldn't say the list of uncomfortable materials is very big; but they're there.

_Some of us like soft, tight undergarments like camisoles and leggings, to keep cold air off our skin. Others may only wear loose-fitting things. Always soft._ I'm starting to think that you get the idea now.

_While we want to be found attractive, we can't see ourselves as others do and we can't sacrifice comfort for acceptance. When we find something that fits, is comfortable, __**and **__is fashionable, it's like finding the Holy Grail. _I think somehow managed to find that grail. I'm comfortable and looking pretty. I think I'm good to go.

_I believe that in some cases, our senses are heightened and are almost animal-like. We sense things. Many people think that those with AS are psychically blind but I do not agree. Again this may be more germane to females, as psychic sensitivity (woman's intuition) is somewhat split along gender lines anyways. I think, similar to our sense of humor, we miss the obvious and see what is not obvious to others._ Is this book saying that I'm psychic?

_ I believe that this is a large part of why we have difficulty getting along with others. If someone is smiling and saying one thing but psychically we are hearing something; completely different, we will get confused and want to run away. _There have been several incidents where I have had that internal debate. Should I believe my instincts, or their words?

_ Sensory problems affect us everywhere. They make dating difficult: "Is this new guy gonna think I'm a freak if a siren goes off and I have to cover my ears and flee?"; they effect employment: "Do I really want to spend $300 a year on itchy nylons?"; and everything else as well: "I'd like to go our but it's too noisy/cold/windy…"_

_ The fallout? __**We stay home a lot.**_ Hmm, never noticed how much these crazy as hell senses impacted my life.

_Many of us are more in our minds than in our bodies, and we think just because we focus on work or hobbies 14 hours a day and are tired, that we have exercised. We haven't. _thanks for the huge slap in the face.

_Try things that integrate the mind, body, and spirit-yoga does that and might appeal more to an Aspergirl than an aerobics class, with its oft-obnoxious music. Yoga works on releasing chi and channeling it into parts of the body where it is blocked-including the brain. _Hmm, maybe yoga would work. Any other form of exercise I've ever tried in my life always included me getting injuries.

_Aspergirls are not gym-goers. We don't like the atmosphere, and there's too many strangers for us to feel comfortable, especially with all the emphasis on the body, but we can still work out. _Last time I went near any gym just happened to also be my first. Now I remember why.

_Diet is important-stay away from chemicals, sugars, and any processed food._ Enough said. Moving on.

_Sunglasses or colored lenses, hats, earplugs, iPods, comfortable clothing, and a squishy toy in your pocket can prevent overload before it happens. Take water and anything else you need to keep yourself hydrated and nourished when our and about. _I'll make a note of that.

Well, that's some quotes from Chapter 3: SENSORY OVERLOAD. Ill name some from chapter 4 later on. Right now, I just wanna go out for awhile. Its time for another date with Dallas 3

I arrived semi covered in those items listed above. You don't really expect me to arrived looking like a freak, do you? I just settled for iPod and squishy toy plus water bottle. Of course the date was great, nothing like some innocent ice skating.

While I somehow someway picked it up almost instantly, Dallas kept falling over! Haha. It was a great opportunity to hold his hand; and fall down with him. Haha! I had a great time. Plus it wasn't too cold. A cozy sweater was all that was needed for what felt like the freezer at home. Overall, had a great time.

Now while Dallas and I are simply chatting during a walk to who knows where, why don't we review Chapter 4 STIMMING AND WHAT WE DO WHEN WE'RE HAPPY.

_Stimming is simply something we do to __**soothe**__ ourselves when we are upset, anxious, overloaded, or in pain; to release unpleasant feelings or energy. A student of eastern thought might say we have blocked __**chi-life force**__; energy._

_ Stimming behaiviors typically include rocking, swaying, twirling, spinning (yourself or objects), humming, flapping, tapping, clapping, finger flicking, and so on. I'm sure there are many, many more. Soothing stims happen because someone or something is pushing our autistic buttons._ In my case I stim through finger tapping and hair chewing.

_ Little kids stim when they're bored, which makes them anxious; they stim when they've had sugary things with artificial coloring because it makes their bodies feel twitchy. They stim because the supermarket has too many items in it and the lights hurt their eyes. They stim when grownups are yelling and they stim when other kids are mean. They stim from the million and one triggers that are all around._ Basically, literally every other thing makes me anxious.

_We stim from sensory issues, and we stim from anxiety and social or emotional issues. When you read this list of stims, I want you to keep in mind that the women speaking are of all ages, and some are highly successful and/or educated:_

_ Bounce on a ball or trampoline, play with toys, flap my_

_ arms, rub certain fabrics, bite my nails, rock (side to side_

_ or back and forth), spin things; kick my feet in patterns, _

_ drum rhythms on surfaces, face-rub with the back of my _

_ left wrist, wriggle constantly, tap thumb and forefingers_

_ together, pace, sway, and shift from leg to leg, whisper_

_ things I've memorized, finger flick, wiggle my fingers,_

_ or rub them together. Rock on heels while in public,_

_ hum monotonically, sing, repeat things, talk to myself,_

_ rub my belly; pet my dog, stare at clouds, watch favorite_

_ movies repeatedly, match my breaths with each syllable_

_ in a sentence. _Wow. A lot of options other girls use.

_By the time we grow up, we know what isn't acceptable to do in public but sometimes we forger ourselves._

_ In public, if I am getting overwhelmed I will jiggle my leg or tap my fingers-small stims which are probably somewhat annoying to others, but don't mark me as a complete loony. (Polly)_

_ I don't consciously realize I'm doing it. In public, I try to sit still if I'm worried what people think of me. I've embarrassed myself a few times, especially in restaurants where people tend to stare. (Andi)_ heres and idea: don't stim at all. Why embarrass yourself for the sake of keeping calm?

_But there is a trade-off to self-control. Not stimming when you feel anxious means you're not releasing the build-up of tension and you risk having a meltdown, or migraine, or acquiring a __**tic**__. _Great. Looks like I'm guaranteed to embarrass myself. My life stinks.

_Our emotions are raw, immature, childlike. Nowhere is this more apparent than when we get excited. I asked the Aspergirls if they "stim" when they're excited and I got the following list-they are very similar to our anxiety stims; but they happen because of an overflow of positive emotions:_

_ Dance for joy, laught out loud, flap my hands or arms, say _

_ "yay" and "yippee" like a little kid, jump up and down,_

_ ball up my fists and shake them, clap can't stop laughing,_

_ pace back and forth at full speed, skip, sing, speak in a_

_ high squeaky voice. _In my case its ask a lot of questions.

_ It makes it difficult to go out and have fun when we know that if we are just ourselves, people will think we're strange. Fear of ridicule is just one more thing that keeps us isolated. Others' misperceptions might be that we're immature, mentally challenged, or that we're acting silly on purpose to attract attention. Since we are often stoic, when we're happy and exuberant, it can be misconstrued as flirting._ I think ill hide in my room after this date.

And that is chapter 4. By now the cutest guy in the world is dropping me off at home. "You know Ally, we've been going out for awhile and, well" the guy named after a texas city said nervously. His kind eyes tried to look into my stubborn anti-eye contact brown ones. I'm more satisfied at the sight of his hair that flops just the right way. "would you like to be my girlfriend?" he then asked. I gotta keep myself from releasing a string of happy stims. Excuse me if im the happiest girl in the world.

"Your kidding me right?" I asked. Head shake. Yes! I then remembered that one little detail. My AS. Should he know? Well, he's gonna be my boyfriend. He should know a few things about me. I may still not know much myself, but I've learned a lot. "sure" I finally confirmed this relationship.

"I love you Ally" were the next four words that made my day.

"Me too" I responded happily. Well if he loves me, then he should be able to put up with my little quirks. I'm gonna do it! Despite my decision, there was actually a weird feeling within me, like warning bells. However, I pushed it to the back of my head. "umm, if we're gonna be in a relationship, then there's something you should know" I started nervously. My fingers were now tapping like they've lost their sanity. Ok, can't blame them. I'm about to tell my future boyfriend the biggest secret of my life. I take in a deep breath, inhaling the scent of a fresh summer breeze. "I have this thing, its called," I tried to say, but hesitation made my voice crack. "Asperger's Syndrome" I finally had to force those words out. That's when his loving expression changed. Those kind eyes went perfectly cold. His nice smile disappeared.

"freak" was the first word that escaped his mouth. My now teary chocolate eyes widened at his reaction.

"b-but you don't even know what it is!" I countered, desperate not to lose him so easily.

"I don't care! I'm not gonna date a weirdo. I'm out" he spat back, walking away. I just sat there crying my heart out.

"aah!" I screeched, sitting up abruptly. My brown eyes are wide and frightened, studying the setting. I'm just in my room. My hand over my recovering heart, I feel the material of my pajamas. It was just a dream. Once calming down, I remembered that last and final scene. Who was that guy I confessed to? I can't remember who he was. I was only able to note those few vague details. Kind eyes, great smile, hair that flops just the right way, smells like a fresh summer breeze, named after a city in Texas. And that I love him


	6. Chapter 6

Who was that guy I confessed to? I can't remember who he was. I was only able to note those few vague details. Kind eyes, great smile, hair that flops just the right way, smells like a fresh summer breeze, named after a city in Texas. And that I love him. I continued thinking about the dream. I know for sure that the last part was simply a late night illusion. Looking at my phone, I realized it was 3 in the morning. No wonder why it's so dark. I also realized that I had a one unread message. Looking it over, it just said a simple _nite_. Confused, I looked over the rest of the conversation. Meanwhile memories of the previous day came flooding back.

_Dallas: I had a gr8 time at the ice rink_

_Me: me 2. Who thought that clumsy ol me was good at skating?_

_Dallas: u think ur clumsy? Im the 1 who fell like 10 thousand times_

_Me: oh, rite._

_Dallas: anyways, its getting late and im workin at the library 2morrow_

_Me: k, goodnight_

_Dallas: nite_

So that date was real. I did not dream up that ice skating date with Dallas. It really happened. And I know that for sure because I just gave myself a good pinch. Man that hurt. I lay down, enjoying my rather sleepless night. I tossed and turned for hours, thoughts in my head driving me to insanity. Several subjects of dating Dallas, hiding my Asperger's from Team Austin and the rest of the world, that nightmare, and the new song I'm planning for Austin. These thoughts circled my head without stop, bringing a sleepless never ending night with them. Trust me, I was beyond exhausted. I'm just wishing that fatigue would do its job already. What is it waiting for? The middle of class or a Team Austin meeting? Uggh! Just go to sleep damn you Allyson Dawson.

Well, I definitely didn't get a wink of sleep that night. I actually have dark circles under my eyes. Heck, their always there; and make the concealer useful. Either way I drooled on my desk in that special ed class; somehow. I guess that girl decided not to have another tantrum today. Yay me.

Four o' clock in the afternoon: Team Austin meeting. I'll never miss one of those; just like how I'll always love gaveling. I heart you. Things went normal. Except for one thing: I was so nervous. That guy in my dream, it just could be the same person I'm supporting. It could be Austin who rejected me in my dream. He fits the description perfectly. "Well, I do have an idea for a new song" I piped in for the meeting. Austin looked over at me, his blonde locks swept over his face perfectly. "Awesome. Can't wait to hear it" he flashed a kind smile. I just nodded, turning away to hide a faint burn in my face. I don't want to lose him. I don't want to be rejected by him. I don't want to be judged by him. I don't want to tell him.

A few days later I had another date with Dallas. I was also nervous here. Just like that guy could be Austin; it just as likely could be Dallas. He looked at me with such kind eyes as I occasionally referred to him like I would to a city in Texas. I smiled like a total goof ball, enjoying his presence. Just as much as I don't want to be judged or rejected by Austin, I don't want to be hated by Dallas.

Why am I even worrying so much? It was just a dream after all. People have weird and scary dreams all the time. Since the beginning of time. Just because that book said I'm "apparently psychic" doesn't mean it's true, right? I've never had any experience related to that ever. Besides, Austin is one of my closest friends in the world and Dallas is just too nice for that. There's no way they'd reject me like that. But I'm still not gonna tell them. No. Way. They don't even need to know anyways. The guys in my life can survive without the knowledge that Ally Dawson is secretly an autistic freak. Ok, maybe I am scared of rejection. Maybe that's the source of the dream. Fear of rejection. Yeah, that's it. Either way, I'm not telling them that I have Asperger's Syndrome.

Anyways, here comes more quotes.

_Lists of Asperger traits say that we have difficulty with eye contact, which makes us look guilty to the uninitiated. _I am definitely anti eye-contact.

_In addition to the embarrassment of having our stims pointed out to us, we will have all of our other idiosyncrasies pointed out as well, one after another, starting when we're young-by our families, our friends, our teachers, and everyone else who might be a witness. We are blamed for our erratic and often uncontrollable behavior. Even those who were well behaved were blamed for social awkwardness and botched interactions. Because we never knew what we did wrong, a profound sense of confusion, alienation, and __**guilt**__ crept into our psyches, displacing normal childhood emotions. _Are you saying that I've been embarrassing myself my entire life without knowing it without someone pointing it out? No wonder why Dad is always complaining about weirdness.

_ I displayed many autistic behaviors. It was assumed I_

_**knew**__ I was acting weird, and did it deliberately. I. Just. _

_ Did. Not. Get. It! (Polly)_ trust me, I definitely had to deal with that my entire life. Surprised I never noticed myself. I now realize something about bullying. It hurts. Maybe now right away, but once the victim actually acknowledges it eventually, well I'm holding back tears right now.

_ During my early home life I was not diagnosed and my_

_ symptoms were overlooked. I was told to "buck up" or_

_ "stop it" if I was having problems with school and social_

_ interaction. (Brandi)_ I just shuddered at the memories of my Dad and all my teachers and every mean girl telling me to stop something I didn't know I was doing. Guilt guilt guilt.

_Diagnosis still doesn't always stop the people around the Aspergirl from thinking that she is somehow reacting to things "on purpose." Families and communities, out of ignorance or sometimes jealousy, will often accuse her of faking reactions, drawing attention to herself, or even choosing to have meltdowns. _Overall I'm destined to live in pain and guilt.

_ My daughter was diagnosed very young. Ever since I_

_ can remember, my family thought we were too indulgent_

_ and that she needed stricter discipline. They could not_

_ understand how we could "allow" her temper tantrums,_

_ and how we could allow her to not socialize with others._

_ As she grew, the family changed the way they treated_

_ her. They went from feeling she was a spoiled child to_

_ treating her almost as if she were retarded. When her_

_ cousins get together to socialize, they never include her._

_ My mother was afraid of her, and was uncomfortable_

_ being alone with her. (Deborah)_ this is officially a very cruel world.

_We often, as children and as adults, try extra hard to please and not to make waves, but somehow we always end up "causing problems." We may try very hard to behave. We think that if we are very, very good, people will like us and all will be well. _Are you saying for the rest of my life I'm destined to embarrass myself and be blamed for virtually everything? Anxiety rise. Hair chewing.

_New situations will constantly arise that punch our sensory buttons, cause us to panic, trigger meltdowns, etc. Knowing you have AS is not going to fix all these things, nor is it going to make you suddenly socially adept. And not everyone you meet is going to realize you are on the spectrum, so they are going to be measuring your behavior with a non-autistic yardstick. _Yep. I was right. I was not diagnosed with Asperger's Syndrome; I was cursed.

_We feel guilt for another reason-Asperger's is not an obvious, life threatening condition like cancer or some other horrible disease or situation, and we know it. We look "normal"; we are often extremely smart. Some of us may not have any learning deficits at all, others do but they're usually not obvious, for example dyslexia. When others tell us to "deal with it" we wish that we could, and part of us thinks that we __**should**__. But telling a person with Asperger's to just "get on with it" is like telling a person in a wheelchair to take the stairs if they want to get to the second floor. _So no matter what, whether I tell people I'm autistic or not, I may never be understood.

Ok, this chapter is almost done. I'd put the book away when I get those last few paragraphs down, but Dad decided to burst in. Apparently I have a few chores to do. Yeah.

So here I am, holding in this high amount of anxiety I am feeling after reading most of that chapter. Meanwhile I am taking out the garbage. I try to release it via finger tapping and hair chewing, but apparently this is far more anxiety than usual. And trust me; my anxiety level has been pretty high before. And usually I'm tapping and chewing by instinct; this time its forced. I can't just have a meltdown right now. Not when my Dad is expecting me to do a few simple tasks. What will he think of me? Ok, calm down Ally. Just continue tapping and chewing, try to calm down. Don't snap at Dad, that'll only make things ugly. Just tap and chew, tap and chew.

Well that didn't work. Since my anxiety is far higher than usual, simple inconspicuous tapping does not do the trick. And the worst part? Just keep reading. I come back inside, dropping of the garbage can and replacing the liner. My finger is tapping away, though it seems to do next to nothing. Must. Hold. It. In. Well I definitely failed at that. Dad calls me over to the next room, and I respond. Hurrying over to see what my Dad wanted, I see one or two pieces on the floor. "You dropped something" he pointed at the trash. Picking up the trash, I claimed that I had no idea these items fell out. He said otherwise. "You knew they were there" were his words. He's blaming me. He had always blamed me throughout my entire life. And now he's doing it again. I know I vowed to keep that anxiety trapped inside, to avoid the upcoming storm. I'm sorry me, I have broken my own promise.

"Stop blaming me!" I then snapped. I could tell he was surprised. The likeliness of me ever blowing up is next to never. But it has happened before, just not very often. This lead into an argument over absolutely nothing. Dad's own anger was also rising, something I also almost never see. Before long, tears were streaming down my face, as I dropped everything I was doing I headed to my room. Slamming the door behind me, I knew it would only take 20 minutes until Dad came into my room in a fit of rage. I had to act fast. I don't want to face him right now. I have to do whatever I can to prevent him from entering. Like I said, this almost never happens. But I have had these meltdowns before. Merely seconds after locking the door, I was pushing furniture around to keep it closed. But thanks to lack of upper body strength, I wouldn't say I put up a very good barrier. Just a few shoe boxes and drawers filled with childish things I somehow never bothered to clean out. I did manged to scoot a bookshelf over for more support. And here I am, sitting on my bed, occasionally grabbing tissues to blow my nose. Just waiting for it to come. This would be boring if I didn't have anxiety to entertain me. Soon, just as predicted there was a pounding on the door. "Allyson Dawson! You better open this door right now! You are in big trouble missy!" Dad shouted harshly. I just curled in like a hedgehog. "No!" was the only response. I was just crying like crazy. Eyes stung from the tears dripping down my red face like waterfalls. My nose had been plugged, forcing me to rely on my mouth for air.

I listened to the sound of him unlocking the door. Yes, I knew he had a spare key. That's the point of blocking the exit. Still, his vicious shoving to force the door open forced the boxes and book shelf to tumble like jenga blocks. I told you they weren't that heavy. "You are in big trouble Alls" he repeated, worming his way through the mess. I watched as he laid his punishment, taking away my guitar and my songbook. "You are also banned from the phone" he added strictly, hand out in front of me. "Here! Take it! Happy!?" I snapped myself, slapping the electronic in his hand. I was also told that I would not be allowed to read any books. In short, what happened was pure chaos. No one got hurt; physically at least. Emotionally and mentally was a different story.

I cried and cried and cried that night. I hadn't cried like that since I was still a little girl. I had a pile of used tissues in the trash, yet breathing through my nose was useless. I tried to softly sing like I usually do when nothing was right, but the plugged nose made that impossible. Breathing was difficult making my voice small and hoarse, plus I hiccupped. So I was trapped in a room with no music and no literature, crying away. I could only think of one thing: no one understands me. My Dad never bothered to learn like I did. He probably doesn't have a clue what Asperger's syndrome is. He probably just thinks I'm a freak. He definitely didn't know how to handle an aspie teen having a meltdown. Even my own father didn't understand me. No one does. I cried and cried during these repeated thoughts, crying myself to sleep.

Well, I definitely made a mess of my room. And my life. Dad woke me up early, forcing me to worm my way through the mess that made it next to impossible to enter my room. I gotta fix that. Well guess what? Just when I thought no music no reading and no phone was punishment enough, I gotta mop up the already clean floor of sonic boom. Ok, true I do like cleaning when upset, but still. I didn't feel any better. Either way, I just nodded silently and did the work. Throughout school I thought of nothing but last night. I literally had to suck in the tears that threatened to leak out of my eyes. Plus the anxiety from the meltdown never left. It was still there. Haunting me. There was actually a strong urge to stim. But not really my usual tapping or hair chewing. It was a crazier version. Not sure what it was I was tempted to do. Whatever it was I was tempted to do, I held it in. I knew it would just be embarrassing; and I'm still being haunted by that meltdown on the Helen Show. Yay. Plus I had been mute the entire day. I hardly said a single word. I avoided looking at anyone, heads up and eyes down as I traveled in the hallway. I also avoided Team Austin with success. My schoolwork was normal, not much different there. I just didn't talk to anyone. I only thought of last night and tried everything I could to hold in the stims. By the time I was almost home, it was almost uncontrollable. Just me, sitting on the bench avoiding Sonic Boom and suddenly my leg is twitching up and down like crazy. A few minutes of going back and forth of who controls that leg, and I forced myself home.

The universe must've been on my side, cuz Dad was not home yet. This gave me the perfect time to hide away, letting out all these anxieties. It shifted between my limbs, legs twitching and stomping. My arms flapping and whipping around like an octopus on a sugar high. I knew that I was lucky this time. If I was forced to hold this in any longer, I'd probably lose all control. I already had little control right now. I was that tense. Right now, I gotta fix a few things. Still stimming like my sanity had been lost, I went over to my room. While I shifted the crazy action between my arms and legs, I worked on fixing the mess I had made the previous night. I took all these spilt crayons and pencils, letting them roll from my twitching hand into the drawer. I moved my nightstand back and put away the shoe boxes. Dad came home while I was busy pushing the bookshelf back. Before he could say a word, I explained that I'll be twitching and stomping the way I was for awhile. Even after explaining my weird as hell behavior, he still occasionally teased me for such actions. He called me a freak. I know it was supposed to be playful, but still. Ok, anxiety went back up a little bit.

It took FOREVER for my arms and legs to finally act normal and for me to finally feel calm. I finally got my things back, and things seemed to be returning to normal, except for one thing: Dad still does not understand me. No one understands a teenage girl with Asperger's Syndrome. No one understands me.


End file.
